I never did
express…rather, never expressed completely…Maybe our ways didn’t match…Never
knew that at the end of it, this is how it would be…on paper…without it meaning
anything to you…and me making an effort for it not to mean anything to me…
Real real
liking…I dare not use the word ‘love’…what would an amateur like me know…you
made me dream…you made me think , analyze piece by piece, of life together…and
slowly steadily..I was getting there..the bond growing stronger..who knew that
the playful flirting would turn serious some day…that you’d turn so special
that a single minute without your thought would be like not breathing…a single
day without your messages would feel like colour being drained out of vibrance…a
friendship so strong that I didn’t want to lose it ever…but then..pardon the
first timer…never got things in time…any meaningful ‘event’ of my life, I had
to tell you first…any meaningless cheery event, I still had to tell you first…just
talking to you was enough to mark the day remarkable…Your pain was my pain, more
so when I understood it…perhaps, that’s why I never told you many things…my
feelings never gave in to expressions…never wanted to add to it...nor did I
want them to creep out until I could sense entire sincerity…but what did I know…was
it a meager extension of general friendship? Days filled with moments spent
wishing that I were with you then…excitement and joy on meeting you, be it for
5min or 5hours…hoping that our conversations would never end…why did I let you
in?!! Me, who has this big egoistic heart well fortified with deadly crocodile-moats..Why?!
And now the moat has run dry…the crocs are gone...I have no idea why it took so
long…Now I understand what you meant when you said, “I miss you” or “I am
lonely”…I don’t know where it went later…you said nice things…you did nice
things…maybe you meant them with all your heart..or maybe it never mattered…but
now it shouldn’t matter! It feels like there are soooooooo many things I have
to say!! Soo many things to ask!! This expression does not seem to do enough justice!! Soooo many things
I have to stop associating with you!! Stop getting disappointed about the fact
that when my phone beeps, it’s not you. Stop feeling bad when you do! Stop
thinking about you! About what it was!
Some day, I
might thank you earnestly for all this…even now, I hold on to that thought that things have worked out for the better...But some sunny pleasant day, I may not question the Higher about why it
had to happen…why my ripplefree life seems so rippled…why I feel hurt at the thought of a prick…perhaps, it was just the idea was lucrative enough…the novelty
of the experience…some day I might know..some day I’d stop wishing that it
should have been everything or nothing…
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